How to Prepare for Nursing
Forget
that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel."
If you
REALLY want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do:
Day 1:
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2:
At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each
time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your
nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3:
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker,
then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4:
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic
milk bags.
Day 5:
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium
pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch
breasts.
Day 6:
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap
firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to
it."
Day 7:
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra.
Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using
the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies on your lap.
Day 8:
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making
sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9:
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God
intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an
endless loop at 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am.
Day 10:
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand
very still in your backyard.
Day 11:
Go somplace public - a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office
building - and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the
doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower
shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12:
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations!
You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
By
Melissa Balmain. Found in the October 2005 issue of Babytalk
1 comment:
I don't know how I missed so many of your posts! But this is hilarious. I genuinely laughed out loud.
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